Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Four Weeks

I've never done this blogging thing, but thought "it should be done". We are walking through an interesting time in our life and while we are doing it for the third time, it is different every time. We have been waiting to adopt our third child for over a year now and the ups and downs have been very dramatic this time. We were chosen by a birth mom about a month ago and along with a lot of "if's, and's, or but's" the count down began. We are now at 4 weeks from the due date of the little boy that we pray will become our son. He is like a dream. I saw his picture a couple of weeks ago when we met with the birth mom that chose our profile. I will wait to name her until we see how things go. Once the baby is placed with us she will become part of our life, part of our story, but until then I will let her remain anonymous. I was so blessed to see his picture and get a glimpse of the little guy that resides in her "belly, belly". That's what we call it when we talk with our other sweet boys. It took everything in me to "not" grab her belly and start talking with him. It's a very strange experience to know that the baby that is called by God (we believe) to be a part of our family is living in someone else's body. I have a strong urge at times to place my hand on my abdomen and stroke that baby and then I remember that he isn't literally there. He resides in my heart, but in another mama's belly.

We have prayed over 18 other possible babies in the past year. Every time the adoption agency called us with a possibility to have our profile shown I immediately went into specific prayer mode. I would be given some details about the birth mom and the baby and their situation. So I would pray over those specifics and for the birth mom and baby. That God would direct her path and keep her healthy and supported by someone that loves her. That God would be with that tiny baby no matter what choices this young woman made. I would also fight a very human desire to beg God to let this baby be mine. I tried very hard not to become emotionally involved with this circumstance and failed every time. I couldn't help but let my emotions become involved, just in case there was no one else supporting this young woman and her child. Just in case there was no one else loving them. Towards the end of the year of waiting it was really starting to get to me. I became pretty emotional and somewhat envious of women that are able to get pregnant and become a mother the "natural" way. I was desperate to see God work that miracle that I really believed was coming. I started to entertain doubt at times and sink into that "what's wrong with me?" pit. I held onto the promises of God.

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1

I kept in my sight the miracles God had already done in my life in so many ways. He had already worked this miracle in my life twice...so I held to the hope that He would do it again.

Then we got "the call" and things started to move very quickly. We started a different kind of waiting. Expectancy with a little hesitation. We met with the birth mom that chose our family and did our best to let her get to know us (in about an hour and a half) and get to know her. You try to read between the lines and get a feel for her intentions. It's kind of a crazy meeting. Sort of like an arranged marriage. We fully expect this young, afraid, beautiful woman to be a part of our lives for the rest of our lives. What in the world does that look like? We don't really know, just let it play out from here. We have very different relationships with the birth moms of Jaymin and Jericho. They are growing in their own way and in their own time. So we stay as open as we can be and pray, pray, pray...over so many things. It's a journey to an unknown destination. To the mountains or to the sea...God will send me.

"Lord, you have been our dwelling place in all generations. Before the mountains were brought forth, Or ever You had formed the earth and the world, Even from everlasting to everlasting You are God." Psalm 90:1,2

1 comment:

  1. Yeay! I can't wait to hold the 3rd addition to the family! I know its been a long and not easy process, but he will be worth it!