Friday, April 24, 2009

Waiting for Eden

My sweet Eden Edward was born April 22nd at 10:36 am. I was with Patience the entire time. I was able to hold her hand while she brought our child into this world. What a gift in so many ways. I was grateful to spend so much time with her and her family. I felt so much a part of what was happening. They are a wonderful family. There is a part of me that doesn't want to share these moments with another, but they are not really my moments. They are hers. Eden is such a beautiful boy. He is quiet and calm and sweet. Looking at him and wondering what God has called him to do in this life was amazing.

Wow, these last couple of days have been beautiful and difficult at the same time. My joy is great, but also tempered by anothers sorrow. I'm waiting right now to go to the hospital to pick him up. I'm looking at a little less than 5 hours and I will hold him forever. Patience is looking at the same amount of time and knowing that she will lose him then. What a saddness. What a miracle that this young woman will trust me with her child. We will just walk this out and see what God has planned for us. I am so Thankful!!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Waiting is hard work

Today, I'm having a hard time waiting for my sweet baby Eden. I feel like I have a ton to do before he comes and I'm working on it, but with a little extra stress. There is a part of me that wants to just sleep until he comes home with us. It's pretty hard to wait and wonder. I'm sure when I have the chance to rest and pray while the boys are down for their nap I will find my strength renewed.

I know our sweet birth mom is going to see the doctor at some point today. She is going to have an ultrasound. I would so much love to see him too. I wonder so many things about him. I got to hear the heartbeat of a good friends little boy last week. What a wonderful gift for a mama to hear the strong beat of their childs heart! There is so much faith involved in the adoption process, it sometimes feels like I'm pretending to be having a baby. I need to find contentment in the nesting process. Doing baby laundry and working on his afghan. Just getting our house ready for another little one. Knowing that God sees me and knows my heart. He loves me like no other can love me.

The boys have been pretending that their stuffed animals are their babies the last couple of days. They each have a swaddle blanket and a bottle for their baby. Jaymin's named his small panda baby "Henry". They feed them, change their diapers, and even have me babysit if they have something they need to do. It's pretty cute. I'm taking that as a good sign that they are ready for a new brother in the house.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

a Sister will wait

This morning it became my responsibility to let Jaymin know that the sister he's been praying for will have to wait. We've been keeping that from him because we thought he would be devastated. He has been determined that this next baby would be a sister for over a year now. I have even purchased dresses that he thought would "look beautiful on a sisser", just to encourage that faith in him. Well, now that we know a brother is coming...we felt the need to give him some time and tell him that "you never know what God will do". Just about a week ago he told me that "you never know...sometimes a sisser comes out first and sometimes a brober comes out first...this time it will be a sisser and that's the truth to God".

I sat with him this morning and explained the adoption process again (in 3 year old terms) and let him know that we had been chosen by a birth mom. I told him that she has a brother in her belly, belly for us. It took him a couple of minutes to process this. He did tell me that he wants his baby to grow in my belly, belly. I told him that I've asked God for that and He seems to want to do it this way in our family so that's how we do it. God has chosen the very right boys for our family and if they grew in my belly, they wouldn't be the same boys. I asked him if he was disappointed and he said "no". Then he proceeded to describe how he will share his sippy cups with his baby brother and if Jericho tries to take it away, he will help his baby brother and get it back for him. I did take the opportunity to tell him that one of his sweet friends grew in another mama's belly too, just like him. That put a sweet gleam in his eye...knowing that you're not the only one that is different is an exceptional feeling.

What an amazing boy! I do think we've prepared him pretty well, but I still thought he would be really upset. God did make his heart big enough for another boy, just like I've been praying that he would. Hope he still feels this way tomorrow when we go to meet the birth mom again and introduce the boys. I don't want him to tell her that she has a sister in her belly, belly for him. Kid's are so cute, but can be very embarrassing as well.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Four Weeks

I've never done this blogging thing, but thought "it should be done". We are walking through an interesting time in our life and while we are doing it for the third time, it is different every time. We have been waiting to adopt our third child for over a year now and the ups and downs have been very dramatic this time. We were chosen by a birth mom about a month ago and along with a lot of "if's, and's, or but's" the count down began. We are now at 4 weeks from the due date of the little boy that we pray will become our son. He is like a dream. I saw his picture a couple of weeks ago when we met with the birth mom that chose our profile. I will wait to name her until we see how things go. Once the baby is placed with us she will become part of our life, part of our story, but until then I will let her remain anonymous. I was so blessed to see his picture and get a glimpse of the little guy that resides in her "belly, belly". That's what we call it when we talk with our other sweet boys. It took everything in me to "not" grab her belly and start talking with him. It's a very strange experience to know that the baby that is called by God (we believe) to be a part of our family is living in someone else's body. I have a strong urge at times to place my hand on my abdomen and stroke that baby and then I remember that he isn't literally there. He resides in my heart, but in another mama's belly.

We have prayed over 18 other possible babies in the past year. Every time the adoption agency called us with a possibility to have our profile shown I immediately went into specific prayer mode. I would be given some details about the birth mom and the baby and their situation. So I would pray over those specifics and for the birth mom and baby. That God would direct her path and keep her healthy and supported by someone that loves her. That God would be with that tiny baby no matter what choices this young woman made. I would also fight a very human desire to beg God to let this baby be mine. I tried very hard not to become emotionally involved with this circumstance and failed every time. I couldn't help but let my emotions become involved, just in case there was no one else supporting this young woman and her child. Just in case there was no one else loving them. Towards the end of the year of waiting it was really starting to get to me. I became pretty emotional and somewhat envious of women that are able to get pregnant and become a mother the "natural" way. I was desperate to see God work that miracle that I really believed was coming. I started to entertain doubt at times and sink into that "what's wrong with me?" pit. I held onto the promises of God.

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1

I kept in my sight the miracles God had already done in my life in so many ways. He had already worked this miracle in my life I held to the hope that He would do it again.

Then we got "the call" and things started to move very quickly. We started a different kind of waiting. Expectancy with a little hesitation. We met with the birth mom that chose our family and did our best to let her get to know us (in about an hour and a half) and get to know her. You try to read between the lines and get a feel for her intentions. It's kind of a crazy meeting. Sort of like an arranged marriage. We fully expect this young, afraid, beautiful woman to be a part of our lives for the rest of our lives. What in the world does that look like? We don't really know, just let it play out from here. We have very different relationships with the birth moms of Jaymin and Jericho. They are growing in their own way and in their own time. So we stay as open as we can be and pray, pray, pray...over so many things. It's a journey to an unknown destination. To the mountains or to the sea...God will send me.

"Lord, you have been our dwelling place in all generations. Before the mountains were brought forth, Or ever You had formed the earth and the world, Even from everlasting to everlasting You are God." Psalm 90:1,2