Hope

I can tell you one thing for sure...it's hard to wait on God. He sees what we don't see and he knows what we don't know, but sometimes I just wish I could see and know what will happen in my life. I guess I can see how easy it would have been to be tempted into eating the forbidden fruit from the tree in the garden. It just seems like it would be easier on the heart if I knew what would come next.

I've been patiently waiting (truly doing my best) to hear from this birth mom that I wrote about the last time. She has not contacted us in about 2 weeks. Who knows what this young woman is walking through....I've been praying for her and her little one, but I have no idea. I have been giving this situation to God daily and letting go a little at a time. Only God knows what she will decide and where this little baby will grow up. While it would be a dream come true, it also seemed "too good to be true". There is always this hope though, because I know that God can do anything! My heart feels wrapped with bubble wrap these days. God knows if we will have more children and only God knows how that miracle will take place.

Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Psalm 25:5

May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you. Psalm 25:21

Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord. Psalm 31:24

May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you. Psalm 33:22

Tapestry

Ever since Jaymin was a baby I have believed that God had (at least) 4 babies for our family. Previously, I had the number 3 in my mind because that seemed like a good number. When Jaymin was born, I couldn't imagine that anyone would ever stop having babies, he was so beautiful and so precious and I loved everything about being a mama. Here I am, now, with three beautiful boys in my life. God is so good! The threads that He pulls together to create our family will never cease to amaze me.

These past several months have been interesting for me, to say the least. One of our birth moms came to us back in March and let us know that she is expecting a sibling to one of our boys. She wanted to parent this child, but was unsure. She let us know that she wanted us to parent if she felt unable to do it. We, of course, started to pray for this baby right away and praying that she would know what the best decision would be. She has allowed me to be a part of her pregnancy...going to ultrasounds and letting me know how things are going. While this has been difficult for me, it has also been a huge blessing. She is expecting a baby boy and he is brother to my boys no matter whose house he is raised in. While my boys don't come from my belly, the do come from my heart. I guess you CAN be "sort-of" pregnant after all. About a month ago I came to realize that she is planning to parent this little guy and I began sorting through about a jillion emotions, some of them not exactly "sort through-able". How will my heart NOT break? I'm not sure how God will do it, but I know he will keep my heart intact.

The roller coaster does not stop there, though. We got a call the other day from the same birth mom. She has a friend that is expecting and this friend is not planning to parent her child. Do we want to meet her? Well, the answer to that would be YES! We have never said no to a situation...only let us see what God does. What is God's plan for our family? We met this young woman a couple of days ago and things went well. She is expecting a baby girl in early December. Could this be the next color of thread brought into the tapestry of our lives by our loving God? I don't have the answer to that question...if you do, give me a head's up...ha ha! For now we pray and keep our hearts open for what God has for our lives. We pray and pray and pray....and we ask you to pray for both of these beautiful women and their precious little ones as well.

sick at school

My poor Jaymin went to school this morning (his 7th full day) just fine, but just after he paid for his lunch he sat down to eat and promptly threw up! I'm sure that was awesome...in fact I seem to remember being sick at school, not fun at all. Today was picture day....he has a black eye (thank you Jericho) and a loose tooth and he threw up...wonder if he'll ever forget his first picture day at school? He actually seems fine right now...so I'm just watching to see what happens.

I happened to be watching a friends kids today and couldn't get ahold of someone to pick them up. Jaymin had to sit in the office on a chair with a trash can. What happened to the nurses office? When I used to get sick, we could go to the nurse and lay down on a bed with a curtain around it. Jaymin was on display for all to be grossed out about and worry that they are going to catch something from him. Times have changed a bit since I was in school...about a million years ago.

I'm trying to let go of the fact that he paid for his lunch and didn't actually get to eat it...times must be tight in our budget...smile.

Well, there is hope, he is acting VERY normal right now, for a 5 year old boy. I'll be praying that the other guys and myself will escape whatever it was that caused the incident.

More than a year later...

Guess blogging isn't my strong point...There's so much to say that is so personal that blogging doesn't seem like the right thing to do. We've had a wonderful and VERY busy past 15 months or so. Eden is a big strong toddler now. Jaymin started school. Jericho is almost 4 years old and loves being the big boy at home while big brother is at school. They learn so much, so fast. My life has been taken over, completely, by bikes, band-aides, diapers and crumbs. It's a good thing for the smiles, laughs, giggles and kisses that come along with kids or we would all be crazy.

We are in the process of building a bigger house right now and walking God's intricately woven path for our lives. I am sometimes taken by surprise by the things that are put before me. Things I would never have imagined. There are times that I feel my heart is not strong enough to make it through the things that are asked of me. I was pondering that one morning at church...pondering through tears. I felt God drop these words into my heart..."Your heart isn't strong enough right now, but it will be by the time you are through. I am sufficient." Those words have encouraged me so much. I know things don't always turn out the way we hope...I know that with God, my hope will rise up and meet his plan for my life.

I'll try to be better...but some things are best left for a journal.

Waiting for Eden

My sweet Eden Edward was born April 22nd at 10:36 am. I was with Patience the entire time. I was able to hold her hand while she brought our child into this world. What a gift in so many ways. I was grateful to spend so much time with her and her family. I felt so much a part of what was happening. They are a wonderful family. There is a part of me that doesn't want to share these moments with another, but they are not really my moments. They are hers. Eden is such a beautiful boy. He is quiet and calm and sweet. Looking at him and wondering what God has called him to do in this life was amazing.

Wow, these last couple of days have been beautiful and difficult at the same time. My joy is great, but also tempered by anothers sorrow. I'm waiting right now to go to the hospital to pick him up. I'm looking at a little less than 5 hours and I will hold him forever. Patience is looking at the same amount of time and knowing that she will lose him then. What a saddness. What a miracle that this young woman will trust me with her child. We will just walk this out and see what God has planned for us. I am so Thankful!!

Waiting is hard work

Today, I'm having a hard time waiting for my sweet baby Eden. I feel like I have a ton to do before he comes and I'm working on it, but with a little extra stress. There is a part of me that wants to just sleep until he comes home with us. It's pretty hard to wait and wonder. I'm sure when I have the chance to rest and pray while the boys are down for their nap I will find my strength renewed.

I know our sweet birth mom is going to see the doctor at some point today. She is going to have an ultrasound. I would so much love to see him too. I wonder so many things about him. I got to hear the heartbeat of a good friends little boy last week. What a wonderful gift for a mama to hear the strong beat of their childs heart! There is so much faith involved in the adoption process, it sometimes feels like I'm pretending to be having a baby. I need to find contentment in the nesting process. Doing baby laundry and working on his afghan. Just getting our house ready for another little one. Knowing that God sees me and knows my heart. He loves me like no other can love me.

The boys have been pretending that their stuffed animals are their babies the last couple of days. They each have a swaddle blanket and a bottle for their baby. Jaymin's named his small panda baby "Henry". They feed them, change their diapers, and even have me babysit if they have something they need to do. It's pretty cute. I'm taking that as a good sign that they are ready for a new brother in the house.

a Sister will wait

This morning it became my responsibility to let Jaymin know that the sister he's been praying for will have to wait. We've been keeping that from him because we thought he would be devastated. He has been determined that this next baby would be a sister for over a year now. I have even purchased dresses that he thought would "look beautiful on a sisser", just to encourage that faith in him. Well, now that we know a brother is coming...we felt the need to give him some time and tell him that "you never know what God will do". Just about a week ago he told me that "you never know...sometimes a sisser comes out first and sometimes a brober comes out first...this time it will be a sisser and that's the truth to God".

I sat with him this morning and explained the adoption process again (in 3 year old terms) and let him know that we had been chosen by a birth mom. I told him that she has a brother in her belly, belly for us. It took him a couple of minutes to process this. He did tell me that he wants his baby to grow in my belly, belly. I told him that I've asked God for that and He seems to want to do it this way in our family so that's how we do it. God has chosen the very right boys for our family and if they grew in my belly, they wouldn't be the same boys. I asked him if he was disappointed and he said "no". Then he proceeded to describe how he will share his sippy cups with his baby brother and if Jericho tries to take it away, he will help his baby brother and get it back for him. I did take the opportunity to tell him that one of his sweet friends grew in another mama's belly too, just like him. That put a sweet gleam in his eye...knowing that you're not the only one that is different is an exceptional feeling.

What an amazing boy! I do think we've prepared him pretty well, but I still thought he would be really upset. God did make his heart big enough for another boy, just like I've been praying that he would. Hope he still feels this way tomorrow when we go to meet the birth mom again and introduce the boys. I don't want him to tell her that she has a sister in her belly, belly for him. Kid's are so cute, but can be very embarrassing as well.